Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
