I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
