The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
