There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
