I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
