He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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