Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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