Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We have so much sex to catch up on
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
