I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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