he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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