i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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