Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
