I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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