Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
