At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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