she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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