I looked at my own cervix.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
