WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Randomize
