i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
