Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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