Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
