I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize