you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
