You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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