Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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