If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
