At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
