The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
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I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
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how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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