he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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