woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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