my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
