I'm passing your future prison.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
