i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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