I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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