$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
