I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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