If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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