Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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