Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
