WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
