The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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