I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
