3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.