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he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
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