I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So much rum. So many feels.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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