I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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