i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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