Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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