You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
