Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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