I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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