My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
