We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize