It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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