He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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