So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
