if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
