Come see our sink grown plant.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
