I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
