Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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